Pinocchio Parent Guide

“If your heart is in your dream, No request is too extreme, When you wish upon a star.” Thus promises the familiar Disney song but with Pinocchio, the studio fails to deliver. As a critic, I wished for a movie that would be an upgrade on the animated original, but this live action remake is uninspired and mind-numbingly boring.

As with its predecessor, this film introduces us to Jiminy Cricket (voiced by Joseph Gordon-Levitt), the clock-maker Geppetto (Tom Hanks), the cat Figaro and fish Cleo. The lonesome artisan makes a puppet in the image of his lost son and when he wishes on a star, the puppet comes to life. The Blue Fairy (Cynthia Erivo) gives him awareness and a personality, along with the promise that he can become a “real boy” if he can prove that he is “brave, truthful, and unselfish”. To do so, he will have to overcome temptation and learn to listen to his conscience, which is supplemented by the wisdom of Jiminy Cricket.

Pinocchio’s adventures proceed at a rapid clip as he goes from school to stage to cage and then on to Pleasure Island and eventually the belly of a sea monster. The perils he faces make him appreciate his loving father and his nose’s propensity for growing when he lies encourages the development of moral judgment. The story moves along briskly and the movie is colorful, the sets are charming, and the film is well made. Unfortunately, none of the technical skill demonstrated in this production can overcome its basic flaw - itisn’t fun to watch.

Pinocchio is the cinematic equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. It’s the little things, like terrible Italian accents. If Disney wants Italian accents, why not hire Italian actors? Why on earth cast Angus Wright, whose accent is so appalling it made me want to slap my computer screen? And why are Geppetto’s clocks product placements for other films? (There’s a Toy Story clock and a Lady and the Tramp clock and a Sleeping Beauty clock, among others.) Why would director Robert Zemeckis want to remind viewers that Disney is capable of making better films while we’re all trapped in this one? Then, there’s the whole problem of stealing scenes from other films. This movie completely recycles the magical tears from Tangled but with far less emotional weight and inferior animation. Finally (and I promise to stop ranting), why does Geppetto go on a potentially dangerous trip while carrying around a goldfish in a bowl?

If you’re less fussy than this disgruntled movie critic, and if you have a childhood passion for the animated Pinocchio, it’s possible that you’ll enjoy the movie. The only issue of concern for parents is the plot-related violence and peril which is critical to the plot but may frighten young children. (The whole getting-swallowed-by-a-giant-sea-creature bit is every bit as scary now as it was when I was six.) The movie teaches positive lessons about honesty, resisting temptation, helping others, and accepting family members for who they really are, and these themes might, just maybe, hit the spot for your family. There’s no magic here – apparently the producers failed to wish upon a star – but there’s basic competence. Sadly, I don’t think that’s enough.