Sacramento Parent Guide

Do you want to shill out hard-earned cash to listen to an annoying man-child lie, make excuses, and try to manipulate others? Do you want to spend an hour and a half of your life watching capable women cater to male insecurities and act as substitute mothers and therapists for their male partners? Do you want to watch a tedious tale wind its way through poor dialogue and unrealistic encounters? If so, Sacramento is right up your alley. But if any of this makes you cringe, you will hate this movie as much as I did. Run, don’t walk, out of the theater.

Sacramento is the story of two lifelong friends whose connection has faded over the years. Rickey (Michael Angarano) is a habitual screw-up who has just been thrown out of his therapy group and told to build a life. His childhood bestie, Glenn (Michael Cera), is neurotic, riddled with anxiety, and falling apart as he faces an impending lay-off and the upcoming birth of his first child. Glenn is irritated by Rickey and has been trying to “phase him out” but when Rickey climbs a tree in his L.A. backyard and cajoles him into a road trip to Sacramento, Glenn reluctantly agrees. Desperate for some quiet time that doesn’t involve managing her husband’s manifold psychological issues, pregnant Rosie (Kristen Stewart) urges Glenn to go. But as Glenn and Rickey head down the open road, it soon becomes apparent that Rickey hasn’t told the whole truth…

Sacramento is an awful film to watch. In fact, my notes scribbled in the dark theater are repeatedly interrupted by massive scribbles and the note “I hate this movie.” The dialogue is clunky, the characters immature and unlikable, and the events wildly unrealistic. I honestly can’t imagine any woman who would voluntarily spend time with either of these guys, so having a pair of beautiful women pick them up at a bar is in the realm of fantasy. Seriously. The only place this would happen is in the fevered imagination of a screenwriter.

Whoever produced this script is also responsible for the negative content, which is heavy on profanity, averaging one curse word every two minutes, with over forty sexual expletives in the script. There are also scenes of alcohol consumption and a particularly disturbing episode when an emotionally overwrought man abducts a baby. The story gives both men redemptive character arcs and shows them growing up, but they remain annoying.

In the film’s best line, Rickey describes life as a “hellscape of unpredictability.” When it comes to the movie, I would simply describe it as a hellscape of mediocrity. Or tedium. Take your pick. Just don’t buy a ticket.