The Soccer Football Movie Parent Guide

Four young soccer players (Kieran Walton, Madison Zamor, Tania Gunadi, Arnie Pantoja) have worked hard to save up enough money for tickets to an All-Star soccer extravaganza. even starting their own creature catching business. But right before the big game, soccer superstar Zlatan (playing himself) mysteriously mutates into a monster and loses his soccer talent. Could Weird Al (voiced by the real Weird Al) be behind this? Will Megan Rapinoe (playing herself) be able to help the kids defeat the monster soccer star? Is a whoopie cushion the key to defeat the mutant slugs?

Are you confused by that plot summary? So am I, and I just watched the movie. Have you ever asked a child to tell you about a dream they had? That’s what this movie is; an incoherent, rambling mess punctuated with fart jokes. I can explain it in one word: what?

Hollywood makes a lot of bad movies, but I can usually kind of see why certain scripts get greenlit, even if it’s just to maintain the rights to an intellectual property. But this is one of the few times where even I, as cynical as I am, am stumped. Is the writer the child of the head of the Illuminati? Did Weird Al sell his soul to the head of FIFA? Netflix sadly continues to give me only questions, but never answers. This is just a blatant Space Jam rip-off but with less famous athletes, no established characters, and sub-standard animation.

I spent most of the runtime trying to figure out who this movie is for. The overall plot is extremely juvenile, so you’d think it’s for kids, but it also depends on the audience knowing things about both Weird Al and soccer for the jokes to land. I don’t think little kids are aware of Weird Al, much less his proficiency on the accordion. The mutant monsters are also surprisingly scary, even scaring my usually stoic 6-year-old, so that’s another knock against the young audience.

Although almost completely lacking in negative content, this film also fails to have much positive content. There isn’t really any clear message or theme, aside from loving soccer, I guess. The only positive thing I can say is that Weird Al is obviously having fun, and I will never begrudge that man having a good time. The zany action and fart jokes might keep young children entertained, though they may be frightened by the monsters and body horror. I can’t say it’s offensively bad, as I did laugh a couple times, but it’s so incomprehensible and lazy that no adult will willingly chose to sit through it. I’d rather watch an actual soccer game; at least I’d be able to follow the action.