Sonic the Hedgehog Parent Guide

Ever since he was little, Sonic (Ben Schwartz) has been running from anyone who tries to catch him. Hiding out on Earth, the extraterrestrial hedgehog has been feeling lonely, and his sadness triggers an outburst in the form of a massive blue energy ball that wipes out the power in the small town of Green Hills. Not surprisingly, this draws the attention of the federal government, which sends the nefarious Doctor Ivo Robotnik (Jim Carrey) to investigate. Sonic teams up with the local sheriff, Tom Wachowski (James Marsden) to make a run for it, but along the way, realizes his friends might be more important.

For a movie about a supersonic hedgehog, this movie drags like it’s stuck in super glue. Consumed by the titular rodent’s near constant (and highly aggravating) patter and narration, the movie subjects you to one hackneyed Hallmark moment after another until you’re lying on the sticky floor and begging for death. What’s the life expectancy of a hedgehog, anyway? It can’t be much longer than this.

Oddly, these clichés are actually a benefit in disguise. Since you’ve seen basically everything here in other movies, this one just evaporates from your mind as you walk out of the theater, leaving behind an oily mental film of resentment and irritation which I suspect will clear up by morning. That’s actually the kindest thing I can say about Sonic the Hedgehog: you probably won’t ever think about it again.

Despite its boredom-inducing superpowers, Sonic is otherwise innocuous. There are minimal content concerns - in fact, I think this has the fewest profanities of any movie I’ve seen this year, with six terms of deity and one use of “hell”. Ironically, that’s how the movie will feel to any parent unfortunate enough to find themselves trapped in a theater showing it. I would rather have all my teeth removed at the dentist’s than sit through this again. Without anesthetic. Although kids might enjoy watching this hyper-active bit of product placement, I really don’t think parents need to martyr themselves for an hour and a half to please youngsters who could be just as happy watching almost anything else in the theater. Honestly, suffering through Sonic isn’t one of the essential trials of parenting and you can give this one a pass without any guilt at all. Look on skipping this film as good self care.

I am grateful that the production team decided to rework the CGI after the reaction to the first trailer, because if I’d had to look at Sonic’s creepy original teeth for an hour and a half, I might have passed out. While the upgrade is still definitely cursed, it’s less cursed, and I’ll take what I can get right now. But no amount of digital catch-up work is going to compensate for the fact that, beneath the weird blue exterior, Sonic is the most annoying thing alive, and centering a movie around him is like trying to feed people a Twinkie filled with toxic waste.