Interceptor Parent Guide

America relies on two missile intercept bases to protect the country from nuclear missiles – one at Fort Greely in Alaska, and one, called SBX-1, on a mobile rig in the Pacific. When Fort Greely is taken down by armed saboteurs, the nation is fully dependent on SBX-1. Meanwhile, terrorists in Russia have seized 16 intercontinental ballistic missiles and are threatening to use them against the United States. Army Captain JJ Collins (Elsa Pataky), recently reassigned to SBX-1, soon learns that the terrorists are trying to disable SBX-1 as well, and seals herself and Corporals Beaver (Aaron Glenane) and Shah (Mayen Mehta) inside the control room. The terrorists, led by Alexander (Luke Bracey), however, have come prepared. As they begin to cut through the security doors with oxyacetylene torches, Captain Collins must think fast if she wants to save America.

While the plot synopsis sounds like something out of a Tom Clancy novel, Interceptor is better described as a rotting sack of cliches, bad ideas, and horrific dialogue left moldering on a third-rate Spy Kids set. And boy, do they leave it to fester. This movie drags out for what feels like several geological ages, despite a nominal runtime of 96 minutes and very little of interest actually happening. Stale fight scene follows stale fight scene, intercut with some of the worst banter I’ve ever heard and a series of thoroughly unconvincing special effects. The truly scary part of all this is that director and screenwriter Matthew Reilly is, somehow, a published author. Since his books have sold millions of copies, I’m left to assume either that the quality of writing is much higher in the novels than the screen, or that his mother is buying up a whole lot of copies.

The actors aren’t exactly world class either, but it’s hard to blame them when the screenplay reads like a creative writing exercise from a mental ward. The real surprise are the cameos by Chris Hemsworth, which can only explained by his marriage to lead actress Elsa Pataky. The cameos are no better than the rest of the film, but seeing Thor slumming it in a thoroughly fourth-rate “thriller” is about as close to entertainment as you’re going to get in this death march.

Parents undeterred by the complete absence of quality might have more issues with the production’s profanity and violence. There is also a subplot about sexual violence in the military, which not only manages to feel insincere, but which also manages to work some nasty rape threats into the story. (As if this movie needs anything else to weigh it down.) With the right friend to watch it with, or a serious concussion, this might just sneak into “so bad it’s fun” territory – but I wouldn’t chance it on my own.