The Serpent Parent Guide

Ordinarily, I start reviews with a quick plot synopsis. That is functionally impossible here. Here’s a list of things I can tell you about this movie: A CIA agent known as The Serpent (Gia Skova) with a spotless record is double (triple?) crossed and finds herself on the run from her own agency, which has been compromised by…somebody who is apparently blackmailing the CIA Director. Oh, and some crazed biotechnical company that might be based in China has found a nanotechnology chip that essentially turns people into nuclear bombs, and they’ve put them in some kids. Or at least, I think that’s what happened.

In a big step backward for stereotypes of supermodels, the only person to blame for this cinematic misadventure is Gia Skova, who is not only the star but the director and the writer as well. And I gotta be honest, I’ve read better stories written by 11-year-olds. Heck, I wrote more coherent stories when I was 11. Skova gives Tommy Wiseau (of The Room fame) a run for his money here. This is incomprehensible from start to finish. Characters migrate in and out of the story without introduction, development, or motivation. Scenes start and end based on what I can only assume are the whims of the director, because they certainly don’t help the “story”.

So, if you’re not getting any kind of lucid storytelling, what are you getting out of the film? Well, there are roughly half a dozen scenes of our hero changing clothes, which seems to have been a priority for her. She also keeps lifting action scenes from Angelina Jolie movies like Salt and Mr. And Mrs. Smith, only worse. This film clearly doesn’t have the budget to support that kind of excitement, so what you get is bargain-bin, dollar store, knockoff versions of clips from actual movies. And it’s not as if the action is the only part of this film that got picked up in a back alley either. The acting is truly atrocious. I haven’t seen anything quite this bad since Virus Shark, and that had a rubber shark hand puppet standing in for a real shark.

Watching this movie is the entertainment equivalent of getting a frontal lobotomy with an industrial drill. I feel like my brain has been thrown in a sandblaster. If you like the “so bad it’s good” kind of entertainment, there’s a chance you’ll enjoy this, but even then, you’re pushing your luck. This is so bad it’s awful. Anything that can wear out its welcome in under 90 minutes is bad news, and I was praying for a meteor strike by the 20 minute mark. Do yourself a favor: Don’t go anywhere near this movie. You could have more fun at the dentist’s.