Virus Shark Parent Guide

A new crisis has developed, threatening to plunge the world into chaos. The cause? A virus which originated in sharks has become transmissible to humans. The consequences are severe and immediate, with huge segments of the global population infected. The only hope for the species lies in the secret Cygnus facility, located on the ocean floor, and the team of research scientists working tirelessly for a cure. But their progress is slow, and worse, the facility is in desperate need of repair and supplies – resources which can only come from the surface, and which have been interrupted by the outbreak. It’s a race against the clock, and all of humanity is at stake.

If you’ve spent time talking with a preschooler, you’re going to be familiar with the incoherent, disjointed, and generally chaotic qualities of this film. At no point did the screenwriter(s) feel any need to follow any of the basic tenets of cogent storytelling, or even the narrow confines of normal human behavior. This screenplay has to take some kind of award for the least realistic dialogue ever read by humans. I’ve heard people talking to themselves at bus stops who made more sense than this dialogue. Not that the problems stop there. The pacing is also so bad that this 74 minute movie somehow feels too long.

Now, you could have cast Sir Ian McKellen (or any of our era’s greatest actors) in this dumpster fire and it still would have been a catastrophe, but this doesn’t have Ian McKellen. Or, for that matter, any actor you’ve ever heard of. I’d say that they just grabbed the cast off the street, but I honestly think they might have found better actors that way. I’m not actually sure how you can get humans to act this inhuman, but it starts creeping into the uncanny valley.

Virus Shark has everything you expect from high school student projects, but without the excuse of being made by teenagers. In fact, this could probably sneak in at a PG-13, so you could even show it to teenagers. Just don’t expect them to enjoy it. I can think of two ways to make this movie watchable: One is to watch it with a bunch of friends in the middle of the night. The other is a full frontal lobotomy. And since COVID restrictions mean the first option isn’t available, I’d recommend waiting to watch this unless you’re just itching for brain surgery. Now that I’ve seen Virus Shark, I think I’d welcome a lobotomy. Sentience is a curse in a movie like this.