The Fabulous Four Parent Guide

Although Lou (Susan Sarandon), Marylin (Bette Middler), Kitty (Sheryl Lee Ralph), and Alice (Megan Mullally) were fast friends in college, things have broken down dramatically. A falling out between Lou and Marylin has kept them apart for nearly fifty years – but Alice and Kitty have a plan to fix everything. Marylin moved to Key West and is getting remarried a scandalous six months after the death of her husband, and the girls see this as an opportunity to get Lou and Marylin back together. So, like any friend would, they lie to Lou about the purpose of the trip and drag her off to Florida for some reconciliation.

The movie is, kindly put, a low-speed train wreck. Not in a fun “oh let’s watch” kind of way, either. Had there been a train available, I would gladly have lain under it. Lou’s so-called friends are little better than a swarm of inconsiderate, egocentric, manipulative harpies, and if Lou had any sense, she would have left as soon as they showed up. The point of the film seems to be that Lou can’t get over some silly grudge and just needs to relax – although at no point has anybody acknowledged that they hurt her in the first place, let alone apologized. A more self-serving message is hard to imagine: You don’t have to apologize to your friends when you blatantly wrong them – just wait fifty years and then bully, drug, cajole, and con them until you get what you want! Just lovely. With friends like these, who needs deranged sociopaths?

Between the insufferable plot and the writing (the less said of the dialogue the better), the movie has all the human warmth of a Real Housewives episode and the clever charm of a cut-rate soap opera. I couldn’t tell you how they got the cast involved, but none of them can make a dent in the sheer awfulness of the film. I’m not too sure how they expect to get an audience involved, either. This piece of cinematic sludge comes in at a lukewarm “R” from the MPA for four f-bombs, some common low grade sexual innuendo, and near-constant marijuana use. So no, this isn’t the fun geriatric comedy you’re looking for to watch with your older relatives. The retirees in my theater left about ten minutes before the credits – based on the speed they were making down the aisle, I think they started their trek about halfway through. I would have given a limb to join them.