Old People Parent Guide

Ella (Melika Foroutan) has brought her kids back to her childhood home to celebrate the marriage of her sister Sanna (Maxine Kazis). Tensions are running a little high because Ella’s ex-husband Lukas (Stephan Luca) will also be in attendance with his girlfriend, Lisa (Daniela Galbo). That’s not all the family drama, though, as Ella hasn’t spoken to her ageing father, Aike (Paul Faßnacht) since the divorce. Despite the interpersonal tensions, the wedding goes smoothly – it’s the next day when things start to go wrong…

The elderly population of the rest home where Aike resides have seemingly tired of their poor living conditions, and have turned to vicious, wholesale murder to change things. This violence seems to spread like a disease, and soon Ella and her family are fighting for their lives against hordes of bloodthirsty seniors.

Although you could be forgiven for assuming that the film’s title “Old People” refers to the geriatric hordes who spend the runtime brutally slaughtering everyone too young to receive a pension, you would be mistaken: It actually refers to the effect of the runtime on the audience. By the time this film packs up and rolls credits, you will have aged approximately four lifetimes because this is one of the most lethally boring movies I’ve ever had the misfortune to sit through. I should confess that my profanity count might not be entirely accurate, because I think I fell asleep with my eyes open on a few occasions and may have missed the subtitles. Frankly, I think that’s a small mercy. My brain was just trying to protect me from the deathly boredom to which it I was exposing it.

I had expected that the film would fall into one of two categories: It would either a) bloodily dress up a cheap social commentary about the poor quality of care in senior living facilities or b) equally bloodily exploit prejudices about ageing, physical disabilities, and other demographic biases. I was therefore surprised when the film decided to ride both horses, despite the fact that they go in opposite directions. As you might expect, that means the film is a tonally confused mess, festooned with poorly developed cardboard characters, remarkably cheap CGI gore effects, and a complete abence of anything approaching interesting.

I’m assuming that I’ve already deterred you from watching this agonizing waste of time, but in case I haven’t, I should warn you that this isn’t a film for the young or queasy. Even though the gore is made of the cheapest digital effects I’ve seen in a while, it’s still pretty gruesome. There’s also a scene of brief nudity and a few profanities littered about the place, but those are the least of your worries. The biggest problem is that the film is completely unwatchable as anything approaching entertainment. Your time would be far, far better spent actually visiting your elderly relations, who would undoubtedly appreciate the company.