Fantasy Island Parent Guide

When Melanie (Lucy Hale), Gwen (Maggie Q), Patrick (Austin Stowell), Brax (Jimmy O. Yang), and JD (Ryan Hansen) step off the plane on Fantasy Island, they have little idea what awaits on this tropical paradise. The mysterious Mr. Roarke (Michael Peña) informs them that their fantasies will begin shortly but cautions that they must see their fantasies to their final conclusion, whatever that may be. Duly warned, each visitor begins their fantasy, only to discover that they might not be getting quite what they wished for…

This movie comes with some significant flaws. At the most basic level, it isn’t even vaguely frightening, which is a significant problem for a horror movie. Now, if it had a focused aesthetic, or fun screenwriting, you could get around that issue, but Fantasy Island has neither. The plot dawdles around for about half an hour longer than it needs to before presenting you with its absurd conclusion.

Another issue is the characters, or the profound lack thereof. I’ve seen more three-dimensional characters in a toddler’s pop-up book. Every single “person” on this island is just a handful of bad tropes masquerading in a trench coat like a bunch of kids trying to see an R-rated movie. Now, this can work in a good slasher movie, where the satisfaction comes from rooting for the “villain” as he picks off the aggravating youngsters in comedically brutal fashion. Not here. I would have paid double my ticket price if Jason from Friday the Thirteenth had shown up and whacked half the cast with a machete.

That said, there’s more violence here than most parents would be comfortable with for teen viewing. With two separate depictions of torture, a number of stabbings, shootings, and a child beating her father to death with a rock, there’s plenty her to make parents think twice. Or three times.

All in all, I can think of better ways to spend nearly two hours of your life. Like, for example, playing in traffic. Or bungee jumping into a woodchipper. The real bonus with those options is that they’re unlikely to last for two hours, freeing up some time to do other things. If the movie had managed to work in the late great Ricardo Montalbán (host of the original TV series), I would have at least given it some nostalgia points, but without him, any fantasy of cheesy fun is dead on arrival.