Army of the Dead Parent Guide

Although the city has been overrun by the ravenous undead, Las Vegas still has something to offer. Namely, two hundred million dollars in a casino vault. The owner, Bly Tanaka (Hiroyuki Sanada) has engaged Scott Ward (Dave Bautista) and a team of grizzled locals to retrieve it. There’s a catch: Not only is the city still plagued with zombies, but the U.S. government has decided to eliminate the undead horde by dropping a nuclear missile on the so-called City of Second Chances. And as Scott and his team get closer to the prize, they find that the situation has changed. Instead of the usual unintelligent shambling zombies they expect, the city is controlled by “alphas” who are faster, smarter, and far more dangerous than the other zombies, and no less hungry. If Ward’s crew can escape with the money and avoid getting eaten or nuked, they’ll be millionaires… but that’s a big if.

Let me admit my biases up front. I hate any and all movies directed by Zack Snyder. He is apparently incapable of brevity, wit, or basic storytelling. This is only the most recent example of his failures in all of these areas. Two and a half hours of inane rambling and gore not only fail to qualify as entertainment, but possibly qualify as cruel and unusual punishment. If you think I’m being unfair to Mr. Snyder, I would like to point out that he is responsible for all of this, not only as director of this bloated mound of burning manure, but also as the story writer, screenwriter, and producer. Basically, every awful decision in this movie can be directly traced back to him, since he had complete creative control. And there is not enough ibuprofen in the world to escape this movie without a pounding headache.

Army of the Dead contains everything a Red Bull-crazed antisocial 13-year-old could ever dream of – par for the course for Snyder. Zombies, naked zombies, a casino heist, and nuclear weapons. Everything but the kitchen sink, basically. Unfortunately, it’s also grossly unsuitable for that audience, considering the extreme violence and non-stop profanity. The topless undead casino staff aren’t helping either. So if you can’t show this to a sociopathic teenager, who can you show it to?

Nobody. Nobody deserves to sit through this monstrosity. And my problem isn’t even with the goofy, over-the-top plot, which could be fun under the right circumstances. It’s with the patently terrible dialogue, the tacky special effects, the mediocre made-for-tv acting, and last but not least, the complete disrespect for my time. This movie should take about 90 minutes…and by the time you’ve watched 90 minutes of this, you still have a full hour left. I would gladly accept the complete destruction of modern society if it would guarantee that Snyder never made another film. Movies like this make you think that evolution beyond single-cell organisms was a mistake.