Wonder Woman 1984 Parent Guide

Since saving humanity in the Great War, Princess Diana, a.k.a. Wonder Woman (Gal Godot) has settled in Washington, D.C., where she works as an anthropologist at the Smithsonian while rescuing people during her off-hours. But the run-of-the-mill crime she’s been vanquishing is about to be overshadowed by something more exotic. A mysterious stone has been found which grants wishes – at a terrible cost. Unaware of the stone’s powers, Diana yearns for the love of her life, Steve Trevor (Chris Pine), who died in the first film. As she grapples with the ramifications of her wish, the stone is spirited away by the determined and nefarious wannabe oil baron Maxwell Lord (Pedro Pascal), who has other plans for the stone’s remarkable abilities.

Wonder Woman 1984 truly is a movie imbued with Christmas spirit - in the seasonal fever for giving, this film takes 90 minutes of insipid nonsense and gives the unfortunate audience an additional hour of campy gibberish. Never let it be said that this movie held back! Going above and beyond like this really makes this film an experience of such atrocity and duration that I would sooner feed myself foot-first into a woodchipper than sit through it again.

This show’s all-encompassing failure is genuinely disappointing. Although I’m not a big fan of the superhero genre, 2017’s Wonder Woman was a fun and impressive movie. I thought that director Patty Jenkins had figured out the impossible - how to make a good D.C. movie. I started this film with high expectations, which came crashing down within the first ten minutes. This is more than bad, it’s downright incompetent. The dialogue is atrocious, the action is boring, the green screen work is clumsy, the first twenty minutes are completely unnecessary, and I think I have a low-grade concussion from being clubbed repeatedly over the head with obvious plot points. Moreover, Wonder Woman 1984 shamelessly steals whole themes and scenes from Aladdin, which is a movie that’s worth watching.

Superhero flicks are usually written for teens and adults. This one might please the former but it will only amuse adults who are looking for a film that requires complete escape – from reality, thought, or logic. With its lack of subtlety or nuance and its glaringly obvious storyline, WW84 feels like a kids’ movie, except it’s two and half hours long, which is precious time you will never get back. The movie comes across as Spy Kids playing dress-up as a Wonder Woman movie and will give adults eyestrain from constant eye rolling.

On the plus side, this production’s bloated run time does not contain a lot of troubling content. There is almost no profanity, only brief non-descriptive sexual references, and minimal social drinking. The only parental issue is the kind of over-the-top sanitized violence that typifies the genre. But none of that matters in light of the fact that it’s it’s completely insufferable and not even vaguely worth watching. I wouldn’t even watch this on an airplane. I’d rather talk to the creepy seatmate who’s hogging the armrest.