Stars Fell on Alabama Parent Guide

Although he grew up in a tiny town in Alabama, Bryce Dixon (Janes Maslow) has made it big as a professional agent in Hollywood. He’s living the dream as a highly eligible bachelor in L.A., with enough connections to ensure that his social schedule is always busy – but he’s never settled down. With his 15-year high school reunion looming, Bryce learns that almost all of his former classmates are married. Not wanting to be the only single person at the event, Bryce turns to his client, young actress Madison Belle (Ciara Hanna) in the hopes that she’ll take up a new gig - pretending to be his girlfriend at the reunion…

I will confess that rom-coms are not, perhaps, my preferred genre. Movies like this are the reason why. You’ve heard the saying that an infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters will eventually produce the works of Shakespeare? For this movie, all you need is one concussed lemur, a broken smartphone, and 30 minutes. The plot is absurdly formulaic, and the dialogue made me want to shove my pen into my ear, pointy end first. If that weren’t enough, even the cinematography is dull, with either bland establishing shots playing over generic indie music or shot/reverse shot dialogue. It’s agonizing.

Worse, somehow, is the overall sleaziness of the whole situation. Agents using their position of trust and authority to encourage their young clients to “pretend” to date them is just straight-up gross. And it takes some persuading on his part, too, which is just another layer of scuzzy. In a post #MeToo environment, this kind of thing just rubs me the wrong way. I’m not saying you can’t date people you met at work, but I am saying you shouldn’t be leveraging workplace power to shag your clients. Is that so hard?

But, if you take my advice, you won’t even have to think about that little problem. Stars Fell on Alabama is so grossly insufferable that there’s no real reason to sit through it – and I’m not just saying that because of some genre-based prejudice. This movie is neither romantic nor comedic, both of which I understood to be central requirements for a romantic comedy. Perhaps the most determined rom-com addicts can sit through this nightmare, but I can’t for the life of me imagine why. Maybe they’re just curious about what a concussed lemur can do.