Iron Mask Parent Guide

At the dawn of the 18^th century, English cartographer Jonathan Green (Jason Flemyng) sets out to map the Russian Far East, on orders of Peter the Great. But Peter’s Russia is a dangerous place and a small group of rebellious aristocrats soon depose him, getting him locked up in the Tower of London. (Why a Russian czar winds up in a British prison is never explained.) Incarcerated with Peter is the Dragon Master (Jackie Chan), whose daughter, Cheng Lan (Xingtong Yao) is the rightful heir to the secrets of a powerful Dragon back in China. As their stories intertwine, the men learn that they are going to have help each other if they wish to succeed in their individual quests.

Every now and then, a movie surprises you. It defies your low expectations and manages to be memorable, or at least diverting. This is not one of those times. Iron Mask may be one of the least competent displays of filmmaking I’ve ever seen. The most apparent problem is the dubbing. Much like The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly, it seems that the filmmakers didn’t bother hiring people who speak the same language, choosing instead to cast whoever they want and then dub as needed. The audio actually gets worse – not only is the dubbing distracting but the audio balance is hugely inconsistent. I had to have my speakers at maximum to hear the dialogue – and was then immediately deafened every time the movie cut to an action scene, which are all unnecessarily loud. Trying to understand this film without subtitles is an uphill battle that just isn’t worth the struggle.

The plot is bizarre and largely incoherent – beyond the bones of the synopsis, it’s something about tea made from a dragon’s eyelashes and a coup which saw Peter the First of Russia imprisoned in the Tower of London while “black magicians” abuse Chinese peasants? I think? Now, in fairness, this is a sequel and I have not seen the original. But this film spends at least 30 minutes explaining the previous film, and frankly, it’s still insane. Watching this is like sticking three different movies in a blender, turning it to maximum, and then shoving your head in there to see what’s happening.

What stung the most for me were the major-league actors who seemed to be here as little more than set decoration. Certainly Charles Dance has seen better roles, and even though this is significantly closer to his wheelhouse, even Arnold Schwarzenegger has seldom stooped so low. Tragically, this will be one of the last films to feature Rutger Hauer, which is hardly a fitting legacy for such a skilled actor. As far as funerals for respected actors go, this ranks somewhere around being dumped into the L.A. River in a burning oil drum.

On the plus side, The Mask rates a PG-13, and a fairly soft one at that. This film is milder than the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, so if your kids are old enough for that franchise, they’re old enough for this. Martial arts violence and drunken sailors are about as risqué as it gets. However, I don’t think your children are going to be any more impressed with the bargain-bin quality of this movie than I was. I’d say it was made for TV, but that seems unfair. Made for prison, maybe.