Endangered Species Parent Guide

The Halsey family have landed in Kenya, ready to go on the safari tour of a lifetime. Although Lauren (Rebecca Romijin) is much more excited about the trip than her husband, Jack (Philip Winchester), who would rather spend his off-time on a beach sipping cocktails, he’s agreed to try something new and exciting. But Zoe (Isabel Bassett) has brought her boyfriend Billy (Chris Fisher), who annoys both Jack and brother Noah (Michael Johnston).

Once at the safari park, the fractious family’s holiday starts to go off the rails. A delay at the park entrance led Jack to sneak the family into the park, meaning that no one knows where they are or where they’re going. When their van gets charged by a rhino, the Halseys find themselves in the middle of nowhere, with no water, transportation, or insulin for Lauren. With hyenas circling and no way to get the van running, they’re going to have to make a long and dangerous hike to find help – provided they live that long.

The only way Endangered Species can be even the littlest bit tense or stressful is if you like any of the characters, and that’s functionally impossible. Every single person in this movie is, in some way or another, so unfathomably stupid that there’s really no way to feel bad for them. If you see a guy digging a huge hole for no reason, you aren’t going to be surprised when he can’t climb out. You got yourself in there, bud. Figure it out. I spent the movie cheering for the leopard.

Despite the aggravating clichéd family drama subplot, this isn’t a good choice for family viewing. There is no small amount of profanity (including almost four dozen sexual expletives), and some very graphic scenes of people being injured and mauled by both wild animals and poachers. The filmmakers also decided to throw in a scene in which Zoe and Billy are implied to be taking salvia – although I’m inclined to believe they misidentified the plant, since they seem more or less sober, and salvia is a non-trivial hallucinogen. So, in addition to being unsuitable for children, it’s also too stupid to be watched by adults.

Which is a shame. The movie has a strong anti-poaching message, and I’m all for that. Poaching is a terrible crime, and anything that raises public awareness is probably for the best – but I cannot recommend watching this. The characters and the dialogue are implausibly asinine from start to finish, and unless you like feeling smarter than fictional characters, this is just going to drive you crazy.