Argylle Parent Guide

Super-spy Argylle (played by Henry Cavill with an unflattering brush cut) is on the case, tracking down a glamorous double agent in Greece. She’s wily and seductive; luckily, Argylle is daring, resourceful, and recklessly brave.

He’s also a fictional character.

Mild-mannered Elly Conway (Bruce Dallas Howard) is an unlikely spinner of espionage tales. Quiet and reclusive, she lives with her cat in a mountain retreat where she has written four blockbuster novels about Argylle. Painstaking research ensures that her novels are accurate – so accurate, in fact, that her latest novel is running parallel to a real-world intelligence operation. When a secret agent (Sam Rockwell) bursts into her humdrum life, and dozens more try to kill her, Elly is going to have to save herself, find herself, and save the world.

There’s the seed of a good movie here – one that could have been tongue-in-cheek, witty, and lighthearted. That potential is sadly unrealized: Argylle is a jumbled, bloated mess, overwhelmed with its multiple failures.

Problem number one is the plot. Anytime screenwriters use amnesia in a story, that’s a sign that they have run out of ideas and are desperately trying to find a plot twist. And when they add brainwashing/hypnosis to the mix, they are demonstrating a total failure of imagination. The kinks and whorls of this tale come ever faster, and weirder, turning the whole thing into a ridiculous, indigestible mess. This movie doesn’t just require a “suspension of disbelief”; it requires a complete cessation of thought.

Problem number two comes with the film’s unforgivably bad digital effects. In our era of sophisticated computer technology, there is no excuse for CGI that looks as bad as it does here, particularly when it comes to the cat. Heaven only knows why director Matthew Vaughn decided to use a digitally created cat instead of a real, breathing feline, but the results are terrible. There’s an uncanny valley problem where the cat looks almost real, but not quite. The eyes are a bit too big; the movements a bit too unnatural. It’s unnerving and distracting at the same time.

Technical problems aside, the third, and biggest issue with this movie is its glorification of violence. I’m not surprised when an action movie has frequent fight scenes, but this flick celebrates lethal combat to a degree that feels sociopathic. Along with the usual scenes of hand-to-hand combat and gunfights, the screenplay features elaborate set pieces that revel in carnage. In one killing spree, an agent figure skates across an oil slick, pirouetting gracefully while slaughtering numerous extras. Another scene sees two agents doing a deadly dance – literally waltzing together through multi-colored clouds of toxic gases as they shoot everyone in sight. I think these scenes are supposed to be funny, but I can’t laugh at mass death.

At one point in the tortured plot, after a failed assassination attempt, the archvillain says, “Regret for time wasted is wasting more time.” That’s the perfect epitaph for this film. It’s already stolen enough of my life and my brain cells, and I’m going to try to forget it as quickly as possible. Take a tip from me: this glossy mediocrity isn’t worth any of your time either.