The Retirement Plan Parent Guide

After her husband steals a USB drive from a gang of dangerous criminals, Ashley (Ashely Greene) and her daughter Sarah (Thalia Campbell) flee to safety. They leave Miami and head for the Cayman Islands, where Ashley’s estranged father Matt (Nicolas Cage) has been living. But Ashley and Sarah get separated, and Sarah winds up at Matt’s all alone, trying to explain the situation. Thankfully, he won’t have to wait long for the full story.

The gang has seized Ashley, and she has unwillingly led them to Matt and Sarah. What neither the criminals nor Ashley know is that Matt’s career with the US Government wasn’t exactly a suit-and-tie gig. More like an assassination gig. No street gang from Miami is going to get through one of the most dangerous men Uncle Sam ever employed – even if he’s been out of the game for the last 20 years.

Nicolas Cage might be the most watchable actor of my generation. He can make any film more interesting just by showing up and being himself. And while he and Ron Perlman are definitely doing some lifting for this film, they’re the only ones, and it’s just not enough. The dialogue is so bad it gave me heartburn – which is a first, for the record. The rest of the writing is of similar quality, and the plot feels like it was haphazardly slapped together out of the trimmings of other movies.

So despite feeling like it was written by a ten-year-old with a focus problem, this movie is grossly unsuitable for younger audiences. The violence is on the low end of the scale for similar action films, but the profanity is way up there with more f-bombs than minutes. The abundant profanity wasn’t necessary, well executed, or funny, but it did distract from the rest of the movie since I had to hunch over and keep track in my notebook. Hey, you have to take your breaks where you find them in this job.

As much as I love Nic Cage, the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze here. Even hardcore Cage fans are going to struggle to sit through this mess, and it’s going to take a lot of carbs to keep audiences in their seats for the entire runtime. (Popcorn, licorice, chocolate – take your pick. Just get lots.) Deep, apparent, unresolved flaws aside, the film has set one record: the least profitable opening weekend for a Nic Cage movie. Wear your laurels proudly, Retirement Plan. It’s not everyone who could bring the only nouveau-shamanic actor so low.