Sonic the Hedgehog 2 Parent Guide

Having stranded the evil Dr. Robotnik (Jim Carrey) on a planet seemingly composed entirely of mushrooms, Sonic (Ben Schwartz) is trying to settle down to life on Earth. The only problem is that, as a creature with an incredible superpower, he doesn’t really want to ease into a humdrum life. He wants to be a big hero! Thankfully, Tom (James Marsden), who initially took him in, is still there to provide some supportive guidance, which should steer Sonic in a less perilous direction. Sadly, danger isn’t going to wait for Sonic to find it: it’s looking for him.

With the help of the mysterious and aggressive Knuckles (Idris Elba), the last of a race of warriors with a grudge to settle with Sonic, Robotnik has escaped his isolation and returned to Earth! Knuckles and Robotnik are seeking the mythical Master Emerald, a source of almost unlimited power which would make Robotnik unstoppable. But Sonic has a new friend too: Tails (Colleen O’Shaughnessey), a two-tailed fox who will help Sonic race against the clock to beat his foes to the Emerald.

Obviously, this is a movie aimed at young viewers. Unfortunately, none of the kids in my showing seemed particularly enthused. I mean, sure, they had fun. So much fun, in fact, that they talked constantly throughout the film, something their unhinged parents decided was perfectly appropriate behaviour for a public theater. But they weren’t laughing. No one was.

I will say that this is a very faithful sequel to the original film, which is also nearly unwatchable. It was also incredibly forgettable, which, at the time, I appreciated a great deal. This means that now, two years after the first film, I’d forgotten all but the main characters. Every now and then a character from the original would pop up, plunging the entire theater into a state of collective confusion. Thankfully, the director knows that no one in their right mind will have remembered any of these characters, let alone rewatched the film, so the script exposits heavily every time someone shows up. This solves the recognition problem only to introduce a new problem - chunks of terrible exposition which make the dialogue, somehow, even more intolerable.

Unless you’re the kind of heroic parent who will take their kids to anything or the kind of person capable of sleeping in movie theaters, you wonder if there are any serious content concerns you could cite as an excuse for not seeing this. Tragically, the film is pretty clean. There are maybe half a dozen terms of deity, the old “shiitake mushrooms” replacement for a scatological curse, and a brief reference to bikini waxing. Then there’s the usual cartoony violence, and a few scenes of drinking, which I imagine are more likely to inspire envy in the parents than concern. Mostly, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is just aggravating.

Have you ever been stuck on a bus listening to some kids argue about something no sane adult would ever even talk about? Some pointless anecdote that these boundary-challenged children have decided to rehash in detail at volume in a public space? That’s essentially the experience of watching the movie. The story’s characters certainly seem quite pleased with themselves, and you know what? Good for them. Someone should be happy coming out of this screaming nightmare. I’m not.