My Spy Parent Guide

JJ Cena, played by Dave Bautista, is a special ops vet and a CIA agent who has just bungled a major operation near Chernobyl. As punishment, he’s banished to Chicago to conduct surveillance on Kate (Parisa Fitz-Henley) and her young daughter, Sophie (Chloe Coleman). Kate’s late husband, David Marquez, was murdered by his criminal mastermind brother, Victor (Greg Bryk) one year ago. Before his death, David hid plans for a nuclear device and Victor is now searching the world to find them. It’s JJ’s job to find out if Kate was involved with her husband’s criminal activities and if she knows where the plans are. Only one thing stands in the way of JJ’s successful completion of the mission – and she’s a curly-haired nine year old girl with impressive ability to manipulate adults. When Sophie finds one of JJ’s cameras, she tracks him down and threatens him: he can either teach her to be a spy, or she will blow his cover.

As I sat through all 99 minutes of this movie, I kept wondering who its target audience was supposed to be. Movies about children are usually geared at kids: teenagers aren’t interested in watching little tykes on the big screen. But My Spy is rated PG-13, which accurately reflects the violence and profanity in the movie. This is the movie’s conundrum: it’s too violent for kids but too boring and predictable for teens. And I can guarantee it’s too dumb for adults.

My Spy has so many flaws that it’s hard to narrow them down, but I’ll give it a shot. The biggest issue with this movie is the aforementioned violence. I recognize that any spy movie is likely to have moments of peril, suspense, and plot related violence. My Spy jacks it up a notch and serves up a steady diet of glamorized, pointless violence. There are frequent fistfights and gunfights, some set to music and some treated as comedy. One of the most disturbing moments is when Sophie and JJ discuss the witty one-liners he could use when he captures or kills “human garbage” (his term for terrorists). It gets worse when the villain is dispatched, and Sophie coldly delivers her own one liner at his death. To underline the movie’s lack of concern with violence, JJ then throws a grenade into a pool of leaking aircraft fuel simply to provide a fun explosion. This is a movie that does not take the cost of violence seriously.

Unfortunately, My Spy doesn’t take children’s safety seriously either. One of the training exercises JJ gives Sophie is to walk into a building and talk her way on to any apartment’s balcony in under 10 minutes. Parents who have spent years teaching their kids not to talk to strangers or go into a house with someone they don’t know are going to be horrified when an adult deliberately imperils a child’s safety in order to protect his own career.

And, if that’s not bad enough, don’t even get me started with the casual sexism in this film. JJ’s tech support partner, a hero-worshipping nerd named Bobbi (Kristen Schaal), is repeatedly demeaned by the agent, and after one insulting exchange, he casually asks if she’s made dinner. Because why else would you have a woman around if not to cook and care for you? The film then leans even harder into stereotyping with two gay men in a neighboring apartment (Devere Rogers and Noah Dalton Danby). In a squirm-worthy scene, the two men assess JJ’s fashion sense and give him a complete style makeover before he goes on a date. After all, aren’t all gay men supposed to be fashionistas?

When Chloe demands that JJ teach her to become a spy, JJ tells her that “Spycraft needs finesse, nuance, and emotional intelligence.” So do movies about espionage and, sadly, this poorly written, woodenly acted production is batting zero for three.