Apache Junction Parent Guide

A journalist for the San Francisco Examiner, Annabelle Angel (Scout Taylor-Compton) has come to remote Apache Junction, Arizona, to write a story about the increasing lawlessness in the area and the Army’s efforts to regain control. But Apache Junction is no place for a woman traveling solo. Fortunately, Annabelle has found Jericho Ford (Stuart Townsend), a rough gunslinger who provides both fodder for her article and protection from the locals. And when Jericho saves her from some lecherous Army officers, he sparks a conflict with the unscrupulous Captain Hensley (Trace Adkins), a conflict which threatens to turn the entire Junction on its ear…

I love a good western. Unfortunately, this has about as much in common with a good western as I have in common with most deep-sea fish. This isn’t even in the same postal code as good. It’s taken up residence somewhere between “atrocious” and “unwatchable”, which despite the low real-estate prices, is not somewhere you want to find yourself.

Most noticeable is the absolutely agonizing combination of Razzie-worthy acting and the truly execrable script. Bad dialogue is one thing, but when the actors delivering it are so unconvincing that they would have been cut from a high school play, it really comes into its own as something hideously unpleasant. A better use for this script would be as tinder, or maybe some sort of industrial fertilizer. By my guess, this is enough dung to fertilize a few thousand square miles of farmland.

If, against professional advice, you decide to subject yourself to this movie, you’ll find comparatively little in terms of the categories we grade films on. Violence is really the only negative factor, with the standard bloody western shootouts, but there’s also a single scatological curse. Thankfully, there are plenty of other reasons not to watch this movie.

This is, at best, a terribly misguided passion project from an inexperienced writer/director. At worst, I think this is some form of psychological warfare intended to fill viewers with the desire to leap from high buildings, play in traffic, or go swimming in cement shoes. While some bad movies can be fun, Apache Junction only manages to be marginally less enjoyable than emergency limb amputation. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I have a freeway to frolic on.